"You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
You make me happy,
when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear,
how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away..."
Over a week ago, my grandmother sang that song to my mother over voicemail. A week later, someone played that same song on the harmonica at her funeral.
On June 20th, at 8:27pm, the most amazing woman anyone could ever know, my grandmother ( Mimi ), passed away. I stayed at the hospital for two days, the second day I sat there holding her hand as she slept and slept and slept and never woke up. I cried and cried, and cried... I started writing on my laptop as I sat next to her hospital bed. I had been wanting to write her a long letter trying to explain how much she means to me and how I see her through my eyes, but she was not able to read it.
It went a little something like this:
It went a little something like this:
I almost-truly-believe no one could ever fathom how much you mean to me. Not just as my grandmother but as a person. Remember how I was the one who gave you the nickname “Mimi”? You would babysit me while Mama was gone and when it came time for you to leave, I would make grabby hands and shout: “Me! Me!”
I wanted you to stay then, and I want you to stay now. I know I’ve had time to write this but I couldn’t conjure up the courage to put all of these feelings into words, and even though you might not read this, I still want you to know- even if it is in Heaven- how much of an impact you have had on me. You have shaped me into the person I am today, and I couldn’t be anymore thankful.
When I think of you, Mimi, I think of the little things. The little things that create the meaning of happiness. For instance; the feeling I get when receiving your birthday gifts because I know there is a card with a long, thoughtful message written inside. Also, playing 500 Rummy. My favorite memories of us together usually have taken place right at your kitchen table, with a deck of cards. I know we could sit there for hours and hours just talking each other’s ears off and complaining about how Lila memorizes the cards. The game will never be the same without you.
You made each and every holiday the best. From wrapping presents together at Christmas time to playing charades together around the campfire on Fourth of July at the cottage.
Not all the little things were my only favorite memories, our vacations were a blast. I love traveling and going on historical tours with you, not because of the place itself, but because you were there beside me.
Mimi, you want to know one of the many things I love about you is? You know how to make someone feel special. I know a lot of people can agree with me on that one. Just by the way you ask about our lives and listen, and really talk to us as if I were one of the seven wonders of the world. You make conversation easy, you make someone feel confident with themselves, you make someone feel proud of their accomplishments (no matter how small they are), you make people feel important.
You want to know how I know that, Mimi? You have made me feel that way. Countless of times you have given me boosts of confidence even when I have doubted myself. You are continuously positive, no matter how hard life can be.
I could go on for ages on all of the little bits of happiness you have given me, and even if we won’t have those little things anymore, I will always remember how they felt and I will smile every time I think about it because I know that is what you would want.
And even though, her physical form in not present, her presence is still vigorous, everlasting, and glistening with liveliness. She may not be here, but we can still sense her at every moment of the day. I want to thank her for leaving herself in little bits of our lives.
( Gosh, I'm starting to cry. One moment please... )
I'll miss you so much, Mimi. Nothing will ever be the same without you, it hurts so much that you're not here to talk to me or hold my hand while we go for our walks. I love you, Mimi, with all of my heart. <3
P.S. So, this is why I haven't had the chance to post my guest posts (there are only two lol), it's been a really rough couple of weeks... hopefully I'll get back to posting (and reading). Just, not today.
P.P.S. I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for taking their time to reach out to me and pray/think for/about my family. Thank you so so so so much. It means a lot to me. <3 I love you all. *kisses*